I rrrrolled up the rrrrim…

…and winned! But all I won was a stupid cup of coffee.

free coffeeSo now I’m sitting here with this empty cup that’s worth a full cup. But that means I have to walk through the mall with it, through the Metro station, down to the other mall, and over to the Tim Horton’s kiosk. Then I have look like a total loser by waiting in line while holding the empty cup, and when my turn comes, I have to loudly announce that I am here to get my free cup of coffee.

Implicitly I’d be saying that I will sell my dignity for a buck and a half’s worth of Joe, that I’m a coupon clipper, that I’m a sucker for loyalty marketing tricks. That I’m like Oliver Twist begging for more soup.

On the other hand, at least I wouldn’t be as bad as Mike Holmes, who shills instant coffee every morning on television. Talk about selling your dignity. Come on, Mike. Make it right. Make it with a French press!

23 thoughts on “I rrrrolled up the rrrrim…

  1. Uh, you can actually just rip off the part that shows what you won and stick it in your pocket. While I’m not fan of the company running the promotion, my wife is an expert Rimmer (she’d laugh and then yell if she read that) and taught me that trick.

    Our ratio was well below the 1 out of 9 Tim’s claimed by the way.

  2. I’ve read some of the e-mail regarding the “addictive” nature of Tim Horton’s Coffee that circulates every so often. (I don’t get it personally, I think it sucks). Your post suggests that it isn’t nicotine or cocaine or MSG in their blend that has people lining up 24/7 for a double-double… No, it’s the chance to roll your rrrr’s al la radio and T.V. spots while performing a maneuver akin to rolling up a “fat bifter”. Congrats on winning a free fix!

  3. “Implicitly I’m saying that I will sell my dignity”
    I think you forfeited any dignity you ever had by drinking Timmy Ho’s coffee, which may rank only slightly higher than Starbucks on the liquid-crapola scale.

  4. Look on the bright side–at least you don’t have to stand there and be photographed with an over-sized fake cardboard cheque and EdMcMahon…

  5. Well now I feel a whole lot better. :-/

    I have a strange relationship with Tim Horton’s coffee. Objectively, it’s pretty nasty. But it reminds me of some fun times when I was younger and me and my phlegmatic friends would wade through the slush to get to a grimy Tim Horton’s next to a toxic waste site and sit there nursing coffees because it was Sunday and all the bars were closed. We’d moan about this and that, but we’d never complain about our lack of prospects because things were so bleak there and then that we didn’t understand the concept of having prospects.

    But we had that coffee. That was before any of us had ever heard of cappuccino or café au lait. In fact, the nearest espresso machine was probably 300 miles away. It was Tim Horton’s or it was some hazardous sludge from a dirty old Bunn machine over at Kay’s Kozy Korner that was probably made from boiled Sanka packets and old batteries.

    So, by comparison it was good. We got to sit at the Melamine counter on those spongy round stools and watch the men from the coal mines and the steel mill come in and smoke their Export “A”s while they gripped the white Tim Horton’s coffee cups with their broken and arthritic hands, fingers yellowed from cigarettes and machinery grease. The odors of sweat, old booze, and iron ore dust seeped from their clothes and their emphysemic lungs as they sat there for a coffee and a smoke before getting in their trucks to down the last of a pint bottle of rum before going home to kick their dogs and beat their wives.

    We’d watch as they gurgled inanities and obscenities while puffing and sipping while the girl behind the counter stared vacantly out the window at the cold grey sky. We’d never say it aloud, but we’d think “There goes us. It’s just a matter of time.”

    So as you can see, there are fond and youthful memories clouding my objectivity when it comes to the actual taste of Tim Horton’s coffee.

  6. Now you’ve gone and made me cry… I miss Kay’s Kozy Korner! I miss Cape Breton!

    You know, I’ve always been wary of places esp. in Smalltown, USA that make use of the 3K moniker. Is it a front for White Supremists? Are there going to be B&W drinking fountains? Do I want to avoid BBQ night?

    I never got that feeling at Kay’s – Depressing, yes. I believe it was rainingevery time I went there. Racially motivated, never… they weren’t motivated about anything.

    … Oh, We are an Island, a Rock in the Sea…

  7. I swear by their Iced Cappuccino. Awesome stuff.

    Gives me “ice cream” headaches though ‘cuz I knock it back so fast. That’s not so good.

  8. Throw it in a public trash bin. There are young kids scouring the trash cans with ambulance chasing lawyers lurking behind them. We need a ridiculous news story now that the election is over.

  9. I suppose I could always sell it to a homeless guy for 50 cents. “Just think of the money you’ll save!” (Ahhh, the entrepreneurial spirit…)

    Sequel, forget about Tim’s chemical-laden iced cappuccino — make it yourself, like I do!

  10. That comment about the coffee should be a post in itself. But as I was reading it I thought about how it would look and sound narrated and re-enacted by the Kids in the Hall, and I laughed.

  11. Or, as someone pointed out to me, you can simply cut off the part of the cup that says ‘you win’ and hand that over. They make you do that in the store anyway.

  12. That comment about the coffee (specifically ”But we had that coffee…” up until ”It’s just a matter of time”) should be the beginning to a novel.

    The style reminds me a bit of ‘Sputnik Diner’ by Rick Maddocks:

    “[An] impressive talent…. Like Alice Munro, whose works share the common terrain of late-20th-century Ontario, Maddocks’ skill lies in turning out vivid and compelling characters. [His] detailed observations speak of a warm affection for the mess of family life and the rhythms of small town living.” – Quill & Quire

    So what are you waiting for? Get writing!

  13. I’d like to see the blork rim claim You Tubed.

  14. Next to a toxic waste dump? Did you hang out at the Zellers mall Tim’s?

  15. Yeah, that one and a few others, like the one on Whelton street and the one on King’s Road.

    But the Zeller’s mall was my regular hangout even before anybody ever heard of Tim Horton’s. My gawd, the grim memories…

  16. That was the Old Man’s Coffee Shop in my adolescent memories, definately where my grandfather’s steelworker buddies all hung out and filled the air with the smoke of handrolled Player’s.

  17. You wouldn’t feel stupid and less dignified if you were waiting to claim the car or the ipod, would you? You’re being cranky, just enjoy your free coffee :-)

  18. Is Blork suffering form some form of Spring depression? Tim Horton’s coffee and frozen pastas in the same week… Ouch! And the way you defended your taste in coffee, with that heartbreaking story about Cape Breton, it makes me think you would be a pretty good spindoctor!

  19. Last September I posted an unusual photo on my Monday Morning Photo Blog. It was unusual in that it was really blurry and didn’t seem to be about anything. It was a night shot of a Petro Canada gas station with a Tim Horton’s attached.

    A very banal photo, for sure, but I titled it “Saturday Night in Canada,” which I figured would lift it out of the reject pile and give it a new context. I see it as a little mini-story, or a visual haiku, of the banality of small town Canada, as seen through the boozy eyes of someone who has stopped in for a double-double as a night cap on his way home from drinking too much on a Saturday night. But despite the banality, it’s at least colorful, so it can’t be all that bad.

    Nobody commented, so I guess nobody got it. But in light of this thread of comments, maybe someone will finally get it.

  20. “Last September I posted an unusual photo on my Monday Morning Photo Blog. It was unusual in that it was really blurry and didn’t seem to be about anything. It was a night shot of a Petro Canada gas station with a Tim Horton’s attached.”

    Great! Now you also have the photo for the cover of the book you have yet to write.

    :)

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