Feb 28 2008
My Conversations With…
After all that kerfuffle last month about whether to reinstall Windows, switch to Ubuntu, or maybe even go Mac, I found myself imagining a few conversations with some of the people behind those systems.
My Conversation with Bill Gates
Me: Bill, I understand what Windows is supposed to do and supposed to be. I really do. But I really hate the way that Windows is designed around these speculations you make about what computer users should want from their machines, instead of what people really want. The result has been nothing but trouble. All that Active-X stuff, object linking and embedding (OLE) in Office applications that hardly anyone understands or uses; all of those things that are supposed to make applications interact and share data seamlessly end up creating vulnerabilities piled on top of vulnerabilities. Then you give us these kludgy and time-wasting security workarounds which end up defeating the original purpose.
What the Hell is that all about? How about making software according to how people actually use it instead of this huge, artificial social engineering project?
BG: I’m crushing your head! Crush! Crush!
Me: Sigh…
My Conversation with Steve Jobs
Me: It’s great that Apple products are so easy to use, and I like the “think different” aspect of using a Mac instead of falling into the pit of Microsoft hegemony, but sometimes I wish you folks at Apple paid a little more attention to your users and less time looking at your pretty selves in the mirror.
We love to slam Bill Gates for acting like Microsoft owns the universe, but at least Windows is open enough that you can work around most of the bullshit. But Apple rules its fiefdom with a cold, iron fist. Seriously, just try to get any help from Apple when one of those magical machines go wrong. Look at the problem with iBooks losing their screen brightening controls after upgrading to OS X 10.4; a widely known problem with hundreds of people talking about it on user forums, but nobody coming up with a solution. Any word from Apple? Not a peep. Not even an acknowledgment that the problem exists. And what about the glitch with the iRadio attachment for my iPod? Same thing; everybody knows, and everybody’s talking about it, except for Apple. Not a word. Not a peep. The list goes on.
I’d love to switch to Apple, and one day I probably will. But right now I’m reluctant because you’ve burned me at least three times in the past year with this kind of stuff, so I’m not ready to just hand myself over to Apple. Because that’s kind of what it feels like; handing yourself over.
SJ: Hey, look how cool this iPod is!
Me: Oh, wow. Sweeeeeet!
My Conversation with Linus Torvalds
Me: You know, Linux really should be the perfect solution. When you go Linux, you’re not tied to Apple or any other proprietary hardware, the operating system is free, it seems pretty light and fast, and is highly configurable. Plus, you get to be a contrarian, a rebel, against Microsoft.
I also like the fact that there is a growing Linux user base, full of people willing to pitch in and give guidance to noobs. It’s a good thing, too, because despite the various user friendly “distros” that claim to be as simple to use as Windows, there are always problems. Linux lovers deny this, but the kind of people who are most likely to be successful with Linux are the kind of people who don’t consider spending an hour on user forums and changing obscure config files just to make something work to be anything other than ordinary. For your average “plug & play” schmuck, however, that can be a huge barrier.
For one thing, as nice and friendly as the forum helpers are, the vast majority of their assistance is written “EU2EU” (expert user to expert user). Can’t get your printer to work? Those happy Linux users will give you excellent advice like “just grem your snok and VSS to the fnerk with your plotnik.”
Even that wouldn’t be so bad if changing config files were done through a wizard or even a proper text editor. But VI? V-fraking-I? To a non-programmer, VI is the most retarded way to edit text ever invented. It is the ultimate Rube Goldberg machine. How can normal people be expected to work with something like that?
So in a sense, Linux is like a hybrid of the other two systems. It combines the subcultural zeal of Apple with the “doesn’t workedness” of Microsoft.
LT: if (annoying(lastThingHeard()))
{
setTime(timeBeforeAnnoyingEvent());
disableSound();
sleep(durationOfAnnoyingEvent());
enableSound();
}
Me: Uh…
13 Comments on “My Conversations With…”
I realise you’re trying to be funny, and I got a laugh out of the post, but the whole vi canard is getting old. vi is not the only text editor, there are many, many text editors available, including pretty GUI editors and editors that are even more obtuse than vi (*cough*emacs*cough*). If you don’t want to use vi, use something else, it’s as simple as that.
One thing to say : LOL! (and yes, I do say that in real life, my fiancée says it too…)
Frankly, these are good points. So far, I am happy with my Mac, I did take the biggest 7200RPM hard drive I could gather at that time (160GB 2.5″), I made a Boot Camp with 30GB reserved for Windows, bought Parallels (I originally bought VMWare but had heckload of problems to get what I rightfully paid for : my serial number, so I asked for a refund, got it a purchased Parallels instead), and uses that for all my needs.
I have a XP Pro version, you can purchase one with your computer as OEM at major stores, be sure to buy both at the same time. Or else, go to a smaller dealer, buy a mouse and purchse XP Pro. I frankly am not impressed so far with Vista, SP1 might change that, but for now, it’s still too immature. IMHO, in 1-2 years, Vista will be getting there, simply not now.
Frankly, I tried Linux in general, love it for servers, it’s really perfect… But I do not believe it is apt for everyday consumer use. I count myself as a “pro user” on my mac because I sometimes go to Terminal to do some bash wizardry to accomplish some tasks, I tried running a full client machine on Linux without ever going to command prompt, and I couldn’t.
But … yeah, new iPod is sweet ;)
Brilliant, Ed. And very funny. (Come on guys, this is more about good writing than about arguing over systems which, I agree, is getting pretty boring.)
So on the one hand you’re willing to go toe-to-toe with BG regarding the shortcomings of “Active-X stuff, object linking and embedding (OLE) in Office applications that hardly anyone understands or uses” and on the other you’re presenting yourself as a “plug & play” schmuck to LT.
So which side are you on? Windows is sincerely a great choice for people who need hand-holding, and Linux is aimed at the sophisticated used who values flexibility and security over mollycoddling. I have no opinion about Mac users.
First up, I can’t believe I’m swallowing this bait again…..
Linux has the “doesn’t workedness of Microsoft”? While some distros definitely do have a steep learning curve, Linux/Unix is a byword for reliability and security, which is surely the very opposite of the “doesn’t workedness of Microsoft”.
“To a non-programmer, VI is the most retarded way to edit text ever invented. It is the ultimate Rube Goldberg machine. How can normal people be expected to work with something like that?”
It’s not frickin’ supposed to be used by normal people! In the hands of a skilled user it is an extremely efficient means of editing text. Simiarly, someone who’s spent all their life taking photos with a photos with a disposable camera, a Sigma DP1 probably seems like a pretty retarded way to take holiday snaps.
Gor, some EUs jus’ cain’t take a joke!
Well come on now. Everyone knows that AmigaOS was doing onboard video editing way before the Mac (Video Toaster) had DTP (PageStream), and solid, microkernel-based multitasking well before Linux, Windows or Mac.
So Commodore Business Systems therefore created Huckabee.
But seriously: get a Mac and with VMWare or Parallels you can run Linux and Windows side-by-side with OS X, or triple-boot it to any supported OS.
And then you can get a way-cool Art Lebedev Optimus keyboard to remap it the way you wish for every virtualized OS and app you use; and one of their quite literal arrow-pointer mice.
[…] A totally cool imaginary conversation with Steve Jobs (yes I like good satire, not stupid Mac-hating rants): My Conversation with Steve Jobs […]
Ed, best writing I’ve seen so far (and your writing is usually very good)
Nick
Next stop: Wired magazine?
http://www.cryptonomicon.com/beginning.html
I encourage you to read this if you haven’t already Ed. It might seem long, but it’s kinda brilliant.
Yowser, that’s 36,500 words!
OK, I’m going old school on this one. I’ve saved it in a two column layout, like a magazine article, and I’ll print it. (43 pages!)
Thanks for the link!
I promise - if you don’t
lovefully enjoy it I’ll buy you a pint and a poutine at the next yulblog.But a regular poutine. Not one of those fancy, expensive “upscale” ones.
Dude, you’ve introduced a bias now. Of course I’m gonna hate it, even if I like it! ;-)