I’ll soon be single

Martine phoned me at work today and gave the the worst possible news:

Crowded House is playing at the Théâtre St. Denis on Sunday.

Oh gawd, anything but that! Virtually every girlfriend I’ve ever had has been an enormous Crowded House fan. And why not? Neil Finn, the band’s vocalist and front man, is calm, intelligent, talented, good looking, and (if you go by his lyrics) really sensitive but not in that terribly emasculating way that was so popular in the 90s. In other words, Neil Finn is the perfect man. Or perhaps more precisely, Neil Finn makes you think your girlfriend thinks he’s the perfect man.

He can probably sing well too, but I wouldn’t really know. You see, every time a Crowded House song plays, [insert name of any girlfriend anyone has ever had] goes into a swooning trance and starts singing along, loudly. As a result, I think of Neil Finn as the backup vocalist to the world’s girlfriends. To the world’s girlfriends however, Neil Finn is everything their boyfriends can never be.

It’s not that I’m so bad, really, at least if you don’t make comparisons. But then, I don’t sing, I can’t play any instruments, and I complain about doing house chores. I’ve never in my life seen my own abs, I can’t remember a single mathematical formula, and I once shot a squirrel in the neck.

How’s that for an unfair contest?

So that’s it. I’m finished. It’s over. All the paella and paprika-dusted roasted salmon with maple-caramelized onions in the world won’t make up for the vast chasm between me and Mr. Goddamn Perfect. My only chance for survival is if the show is sold out.

16 thoughts on “I’ll soon be single

  1. You haven’t been listening to the lyrics. He’s really not THAT sensitive. If fact, he’s a bit cold-hearted (but just in that sexy way).

    And I have no idea if he cooks. I’ll have to ask him.

  2. Oh, and the St-Denis sucks for these kinds of concerts, so now I’m having second thoughts… I wonder if I could get a private concert?

  3. Learn to play one soulful (but simple) song on a guitar and you’ll win them back every time. It’s the one thing that works as well in real life as it does in Hollywood’s version thereof.

  4. So, what you’re saying is that Martine “falls to pieces” over the little Aussie?
    But yeah, Théâtre St-Denis sucks for this type of concert. I saw David Sylvian there back in the ’80s; couldn’t hear half the lyrics.

  5. …have another piece of chocolate cake!

    Don’t take it too seriously, Blork. Everybody loves Neil Finn. I love Neil Finn! I’m not ashamed to say I’ve warbled harmonies to his songs on a couple of booze-fueled, one-man, post break-up hootenannies.

  6. If Harry and I weren’t going camping this weekend, believe you me, I would be at the show. I love Crowded House. But, you know that he would go with me….but don’t tell anyone!

  7. See, Harry said what I thought: Martine is a practical girl, she would rather share paella with her Blork than share Neil Finn with the rest of the world. Don’t loose time on the guitar playing, you gig is food and photography! ;-)

  8. Hmmm…Watch some old Split Enz videos on YouTube, and I think you’ll feel a whole lot better. Just the same, my condolences to you.

  9. So, is she going?

    If not, does she want to?

    ‘Cause I can arrange that :)

  10. Neil Finn is not an Aussie. He’s from New Zealand. (Just so we’re all clear on this.)

    @Jen: I only saw your message now! :-(

  11. I followed your link to the salmon recipe and intend to make it to impress someone who seems to think beef is the only food in the world.

  12. Neil IS perfect. But he gives loads and loads of tips for other guys to follow. You just have to read between the lines, so to speak. See, Neil celebrates his wife Sharon, their marriage, their partnership, their family, and their life together on every album. We women all want that for ourselves. Sharon’s just one of those lucky women who really does have that kind of man in her life.

    He has his music – you have your talents – simply do the equivalent. Let her beauty inspire your culinary triumphs and then make sure to let her know all the fine details about that. Show your passion, man, show your passion!

    And after all, you are SO far ahead of all the guys in the world who do NOT have the wonders of Paris to call on to create the right ambiance on a daily basis!

    By all means, go to the concert and take her in your arms and hold her and sway to the music. Neil CAN’T do that, now can he???!!!

    Smiling at ya, all the way from Vancouver

  13. Montreal you say? The Canadian equivalent of Paris… (having read the top of the page…) Other than that – everything I said still holds true.

    Bon chance!

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