The very resourceful town of Fort Myers Beach, Florida, has just emerged from a crisis. The problem began a few weeks ago when some townsfolk complained about the banners that went up for the town’s annual Turkey Testicle Festival.

That’s right. Every year, Fort Myers holds a festival in which people flock to the town in order to drink a lot of beer and eat deep-fried turkey testicles.

Turkey testicles, as you can see below, are lovely pinkish things, tender and juicy looking, and a lot bigger than I would have expected.

tons of testicles!

All it takes is the skilled hands of a professional chef (who apparently likes to keep an eye on the time) to toss them in some seasoned flour . . .

almost there!

. . . and then dump them into a pot of boiling grease. After a few minutes you’ll have a tasty and greasy delicacy – crunchy on the outside, squishy on the inside – ready to be served up on fine Floridian china.


Strangely, this festival is not confined to Fort Myers Beach. Apparently, Turkey Testicle Festivals happen all over America. (The above photos are from the one in Huntley, Illinois.)

OK, back to the crisis . . .

Some of the refined and sensitive people of Fort Myers Beach were upset that the word “testicle” appeared on the festival’s banners. Apparently “testicle” (the word, not the body part) is offensive to their innocent and viceless ears and minds.

Despite the fact that the festival uses up good meat protein that most people would find unpalatable (unless you’ve pounded about a dozen Budweisers first), and regardless of the fact that the festival raises money for charity (the Harry Chapin Food Bank), those timid townsfolk can’t bear the thought of their innocent children looking up at the banner and asking “Daddy, what are testicles?”

A motion was brought to the town council to change the name of the festival. Anti-testicle councilman Garr Reynolds, in a textbook-case display of don’t-get-itedness, said “Call it a Tom Turkey Festival, that would indicate it’s a male turkey.”

Fortunately, most people in the town are not insane. In fact, the council vote followed what was described as “a laugh-out-loud discussion.” The motion was defeated, four to one, with most people apparently believing it was a non-issue. So the festival, its name, the banner, and all those t-shirts, get to stay.

On the down side, the festival, held at the Surf Club at Fort Myers Beach, is scheduled for November 18 this year – the same day that TomKat is getting married in Italy. Damn, I hate it when my schedules conflict!


(Thanks to Harry SW for the heads up…)

8 thoughts on “Balls!

  1. It took me a while to process that this was not about Turkish testicles. Those (also available in other Mediterranean cuisines) are sheep testicles that are just fried, without the batter. I ate them once in a restaurant (in the Netherlands) where they were featured on the menu as “surprise from the chef”. It was a nice surprise, they were delicious. Of course that was in the days I still ate meat.

  2. i’m an adventurous eater, but i just barfed in my mouth when i read that, Ed. :-)

    i’m sure they’re tasty, and, G-d knows, if it’s breaded and deep-fried, i’ll almost certainly eat it, but damn! that sh*t’s nasty! :-D

  3. I’ll be departing early on the day the T.T. festival begins, but am considering dropping by the bar the evening before to see if I can get a little on the sly. The problem is no matter how I prethink it, the question is just gonna come out all wrong.

    – Excuse me sir, can I get a sneak preview of your nuts?
    – Are your balls available for sampling yet?
    – Can I eat your testicles now? I simply can’t wait!

    Errr. maybe I’ll send my girlfiend in on my behalf…

    Tell ya what, I’ll be sure to buy the T-Shirt and be satisfied with other local delicacies such as Grouper Nuggets, Bulldozer Tails and Fresh Snapper! Harry

  4. I guess when your having a few beer and some testicles it doesn’t matter that the cook is wearing a watch, and what I assume is a beer tent bracelet.

  5. I didn’t know turkeys were so… virile.

    I’m also surprised (and a bit creeped out) that your two links are not far from where I grew up. I thought that sort of thing was out in some backwater somewhere. Sadly I’ll miss the Fort Myers festival by a month. Ahh shucks.

  6. this is unacceptable turkey testicles carry 9.8 molucles of bacteria also are a highly risk of unsoluble procedecure laltitude of amnesia this should be banned you americans should be ashamed of yourselves trying to kill your people….HAHA ONLY JOKING I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I JUST SAID

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